I've heard about "Pulling A Train", but this is ridiculous

From ADVENTURES INTO THE UNKNOWN #58

Zo, you haff had a nice veekend mit your friends und family, und now it's Monday morning und you haff to go back to ze vork! Zo, you go und grab ze big cup of coffe und catch ze train, you sit down und schtart to read your newspaper (newspapers is schmut, by ze way), und before you can zay, "Jack Schprat", der whole train schtarts to shakenz und schimmy! Your coffee gets dumped into your lap, your newspaper flys from your hands, and you look up to see a Gigantic Shiny Metal Robot Schwanz poking you right in ze face!  GOTT IN HIMMELL! Zere is a Giant ROBOT having ze Zex mit der TRAIN! Ach Du Lieber! Maybe NOW your telling yourself, "I should've moved to der Suburbs", Jah?! YEEESH!! At least der chances of Humungous Robot Penis taking your head off occuring out zere go down dramatically! Oh, Brother!  I take a couple of weeks off und look vhat happens! HooBoy! Robot SCHMUT! 

When is a cannon not a cannon?

From ADVENTURE COMICS #420

Vhen is a cannon Not a cannon?

Vhen it's a PENIS!

Yeesh! 

I don't know vhy Schupergirl has got her Hotpants in a bunch,

but she seems a bit angry as she throws a gigantic Phallic Symbol 

complete mit der Teschticles schtraight at ze comicky book reader!

Maybe she's mad because ze freshly fired cannon just blew a load of cannon balls into her Face!

Zat can upset some womens vhen zey aren't expecting it!

Chust ask Mrs. Fredrics...Er, I mean, SCHMUT!

Compensating for low self esteem

From OUT OF THE NIGHT # 5

Whether it's a business man, a construction vorker, a banker, or a baseball player, men is alvays exaggerating  about ze size of zere manhoods!  Zat, unfortunately, alzo applies to ze Undead! Anyzing to make zemselves feel more important zan zey really are! Please! Who are you trying to fool, us, or yourself?! 

Yeesh! Creepy Schmut!

What's big and green and in your daughter's face?

(Originally appearing in THE SUN /UK 2003)

SHOCKED six-year-old Leah Lowland checked out a mystery bulge on her Incredible Hulk doll — and uncovered a giant green WILLY.

Curious Leah noticed a lump after winning the monster, catchphrase “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” at a seaside fair.

And when she peeled off the green comic-book character’s ripped purple shorts, she found the two-inch manhood beneath them.

Horrified Leah immediately ran to mum Kim and reported the find. And last night Kim called for a ban on the saucy toy. She said: “A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed.

“Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is."

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See? I've been trying to tell you all how Comic Books are Corrupting our young peoples! Vhy von't anybody listen to me? Yeesh! First of all, little girls should not have to look at a big lumpy penis until their Vedding Nights! Even then der lights should be off, und a doctors mask und gloves should be utilized!

 I haff no doubt zis poor, innocent but seducted little girl got corrupted from reading ze comic books, und zat is vhy she felt ze naughty compulsion to remove ze Hulky trousers und peek at ze lumpy manhood...er, I mean Hulkhood...Ach! I mean, ze Hulk should schtop schticking his big green penis in little girls faces! 

Naughty Schmut!

"You vouldn't like me vhen I'm Horny!" SCHMUT!!

Lookin' for love in all the wrong places

From CRIME SUSPENSTORIES # 15

Tsk tsk! Zo many marriages end because of ze Naughty Schmut! Here ve see ze effeminate, sexually confused husband getting ready to go out und pick up ze other mens for ze Sex! His close-cropped butch lesbian wife ridicules him und drives him into ze arms of ze Village People! It is clear dat zis man has ze fondness for ze schwanzes, but people shouldn't be talking about ze Schwanzes or ze Schlong's in ze comicky book, for Crying Out Loud! SCHMUT!!

Hulk has a package for you

From MARVEL COMICS INDEX #7A (with detail)

Vhat's green und purple und should NOT be visible on ze comic book cover?

Ze Incredible Hulk's incredibly obvious Penis und Testicles! Ach Du Lieber! "Hulk smash! Hulk getting angry! Now Hulk horny! Hulk getting kind of excited! Hulk want to show you his etchings!" 

 Yipes!  Gamma Radiated SCHMUT!!

The hot dog or the taco?

From LOVE LETTERS # 24

Decisions, deciscions!  Zis poor girl cannot decide whether to eat ze schnitzel or ze taco! All she knows is zat she is hungry! Take Doc's advice and chust have ze "Schnickers"! You know vhat zey say, "Schnickers satisfies"! Anyvay, you can't eat ze tacos everyday...it's unnatural! Vhy vorry about ze taco zat gets your face all schmeared mit taco sauce, und mit der schnitzel which can be ze choking hazard! Comics is all SCHMUT!!

A kick in the ball turret

From The BRAVE And The BOLD # 29

Vell, I think I know vhy zis Robot is zo upset...all ze other robots make fun of ze size of his puny Ball Turret und ze tiny Robot Penis gun betveen his robot legs! Zis insecure robot suffers from R.P.I. -- zat schtands for Robot Phallus Inadequacy! Yeesh! Hey, Robot, next time varn somebody vhen zat thing is ready to Go Off! You need to point zat thing in somebody else's face for a vhile! Und schtop schticking it in ze Rear End of my Lexus! Keep your Robot junk outa my trunk! No means NO!! Ach! Robot SCHMUT!!