FEATURING THE RANTINGS AND RAVINGS OF THE MISGUIDED CURMUDGEON,
COMIC BOOK AUTHORITARIAN AND PSYCHO-ANALYZER DR. WERTHAM P. FREDRICS

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I've heard about "Pulling A Train", but this is ridiculous

From ADVENTURES INTO THE UNKNOWN #58


Zo, you haff had a nice veekend mit your friends und family, und now it's Monday morning und you haff to go back to ze vork! Zo, you go und grab ze big cup of coffe und catch ze train, you sit down und schtart to read your newspaper (newspapers is schmut, by ze way), und before you can zay, "Jack Schprat", der whole train schtarts to shakenz und schimmy! Your coffee gets dumped into your lap, your newspaper flys from your hands, and you look up to see a Gigantic Shiny Metal Robot Schwanz poking you right in ze face!  GOTT IN HIMMELL! Zere is a Giant ROBOT having ze Zex mit der TRAIN! Ach Du Lieber! Maybe NOW your telling yourself, "I should've moved to der Suburbs", Jah?! YEEESH!! At least der chances of Humungous Robot Penis taking your head off occuring out zere go down dramatically! Oh, Brother!  I take a couple of weeks off und look vhat happens! HooBoy! Robot SCHMUT! 

Friday, April 11, 2014

And you thought Batman and Robin were kinky

From CAPTAIN AMERICA #2


Jah, und you all thought zat ze Batman und ze Robin vere ze kinky ones!
Here ve see ze schmutty antics of ze Captain America und Bucky, engaging in activities including ze Cosplay, ze crossdressing, und ze child molestation! Yeechh! Get your cotton pickin' mitts offen der child, Captain! Poor Bucky has become ze warped puppet for ze schtrong und domineering gender-confused Schteve Rogers, who has taken ze liberties mit der little child, making him ze accomplice in ze filthy, schmutty, naughty business!  Comics is indeed schmut!

Sunday, April 6, 2014

In Dr. Wertam P. Fredrics perfect world

From MYSTICAL TALES #1


Aaah!
Zometimes, I find ze comic zat chust makes my little heart
  zing mit joy!
Here ve have ze example of vhat life might look like in 
Dr. Wertham P. Fredrics perfect vorld!  
Yes, a vorld vhere I can make ALL ze Naughty Schmutty Dirty parts Disappear --
mit chust saying ze Magic Vords!
Vhat is ze Magic Vords?

"COMICS IS SCHMUT!"

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Time to change underwear...times two

From JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY #41


Here ve have ze rare but schmutty medical phenomenon
 known as S.S.E. --
ze Simultaneous Spontaneous Ejaculation!
Notice ze looks of suprise mingled mit  ze shame und disgust, 
as each of zese naughty fellows realizes zey have to go 
und change zere underwear!
Yes, S.S.E. is rare but becoming more und more common, due to the increasing practice of reading ze comic books! Zat is chust ONE of Many side effects! Jah! 
Now you know reading comics vill leave a Stain!
 Yiiuuck! Naughty Schmut!

Friday, April 4, 2014

When is a cannon not a cannon?

From ADVENTURE COMICS #420

Vhen is a cannon Not a cannon?
Vhen it's a PENIS!
Yeesh! 
I don't know vhy Schupergirl has got her Hotpants in a bunch,
but she seems a bit angry as she throws a gigantic Phallic Symbol 
complete mit der Teschticles schtraight at ze comicky book reader!
Maybe she's mad because ze freshly fired cannon just blew a load of cannon balls into her Face!
Zat can upset some womens vhen zey aren't expecting it!
Chust ask Mrs. Fredrics...Er, I mean, SCHMUT!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Sometimes best friends need to respect boundaries

From PICTURE PARADE #1


Vell, Tsk tsk! 
You know, ze Child Porn in comics is bad, 
und ze Bestiality in comics is really bad, 
but here ve have ze Child Bestiality! Yiick!! 
Little Johnny und ze sexy schpot think zey have found ze quiet secluded place to satisfy their naughty urges for each other...
I realize it must get lonely in ze desert, but Puh-Leaze! It is no vonder zey are zo turned on, being surrounded by ze dirty, naughty Phallus-Shaped Cactuses-es! Eeew! Comics is Filthy SCHMUT!!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Compensating for low self esteem

From OUT OF THE NIGHT # 5


Whether it's a business man, a construction vorker, a banker, or a baseball player, men is alvays exaggerating  about ze size of zere manhoods!  Zat, unfortunately, alzo applies to ze Undead! Anyzing to make zemselves feel more important zan zey really are! Please! Who are you trying to fool, us, or yourself?! 
Yeesh! Creepy Schmut!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

It's always someone you trust

From MARGE'S LITTLE LULU #33


Comics is pure Schmut!
Sex in ze comic books is naughty schmut, und ze sex betveen two childs is extra naughty schmut!
Here ve see ze Little Lulu being penetrated from behind by her so-called friend Tubby, in a case of comic book anal date rape! Chust look at ze expression of helpless fear und terror on poor Lulu's face as der fat little pervert positions his comic book doohickey for another thrust! Chust heartbreaking!
Lulu, Schtop mit der pedalling! I think all ze movement is turning him on more!
Yeeeesh! Nasty, naughty SCHMUT!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Robots have needs too

From STARTLING COMICS #49

Robots und Space Aliens have one thing in common...
They chust can't get enough of Earth Woman Sex!
Jah, for some strange reason,  nuttin' gets ze old piston pumping like some scantily clad Earth Girl!
Robots have one advantage over Space Aliens, though...
Zey alvays carry zere own Lubrication! Ha! Thank you, I'll be here all veek!
Yeeesh! Robot Sex!
  Schmut!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Getting Sunny where the Sun don't shine

From SUNNY #11


Let us now examine an example of vhat many depraved comic book readers call ze "Good Girl Art"...
Good Girl! Ha! Listen to ze Doctor vhen he tells you zat "good girls" don't flash their vaginas at ze boys! NEIN! Ze real good girl wraps zat naughty bit in ze armor und throws avay ze key! Vhy, I never even saw Mrs. Fredrics' genitalia until ve vas married for 37 years, und zat vas completely by accident! Talk about "Injury to ze Eyes"! YEEESH! Und schpeaking of "Injury to ze Eyeballs",  Sunny's pointy "headlights" poking out of her chest could possibly cause ze blindness if she gets close enough to schtick you! Hooboy!
Comics is SCHMUT!!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

If that's what life with Archie is like, I'd consider moving

From LIFE WITH ARCHIE #142

Yeesh! Riverdale High meets "Silence Of The Lambs"! 
You might think ze Archie comics is safe und wholesome und fine for ze little kiddies, but NEIN!  
Archie comics contains some of ze Creepiest comic schmut ever! Chust what ze hell is going on here, I don't know, but it ain't good! It looks like Betty got involved in some kinky schtuff mit some creepy neighbors who vanted to taste some of her "Sugar sugar"!
Ick! Comics is all Schmut!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

What's big and green and in your daughter's face?

(Originally appearing in THE SUN /UK 2003)

SHOCKED six-year-old Leah Lowland checked out a mystery bulge on her Incredible Hulk doll — and uncovered a giant green WILLY.
Curious Leah noticed a lump after winning the monster, catchphrase “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” at a seaside fair.
And when she peeled off the green comic-book character’s ripped purple shorts, she found the two-inch manhood beneath them.
Horrified Leah immediately ran to mum Kim and reported the find. And last night Kim called for a ban on the saucy toy. She said: “A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed.
“Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is."
__________________________________

See? I've been trying to tell you all how Comic Books are Corrupting our young peoples! Vhy von't anybody listen to me? Yeesh! First of all, little girls should not have to look at a big lumpy penis until their Vedding Nights! Even then der lights should be off, und a doctors mask und gloves should be utilized!
 I haff no doubt zis poor, innocent but seducted little girl got corrupted from reading ze comic books, und zat is vhy she felt ze naughty compulsion to remove ze Hulky trousers und peek at ze lumpy manhood...er, I mean Hulkhood...Ach! I mean, ze Hulk should schtop schticking his big green penis in little girls faces! 
Naughty Schmut!

"You vouldn't like me vhen I'm Horny!" SCHMUT!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Earth's smuttiest heroes

From THE AVENGERS #71 (486)


HooBoy! Here ve go Again mit more Schuper Schmut!
You'll vant to wash out your eyes mit der zoap after zis one!
Vhat do schuper-heroes do vhen zey aren't fighting mit ze bad guys? Apparently, engaging in ze schmutty Sex! Here ve see two of ze Avengers, Hank Pym (ze Ant-Man/Giant-Man) und his estranged wife Janet (der Vasp) having ze yicky sex! Ze normal sized Vasp moans mit der orgasmic pleasure, until ve see ze teensy-veensy Antsy-Man crawling up her cleavage, covered mit ze fishy vaginal secretions und demanding she return ze favor! Yeesh! (I von't even mention ze fantasy aspect of zis...zat a man schmaller zan ze gumball can sexually satisfy ze horny voman! Ach! At least give her a taste of ze Giant-Man's dingle-donger, zat would make more zense!) NEIN! Comics shouldn't be showing ze Schuper -Heroes crawling in und out of each others Genitalia! 
It is chust Wrong in Zo Many Vays! Obviously, zis is SCHMUT of der Schmuttiest kind! Naughty, naughty! Tsk, tsk!


Monday, March 24, 2014

Lookin' for love in all the wrong places

From CRIME SUSPENSTORIES # 15


Tsk tsk! Zo many marriages end because of ze Naughty Schmut! Here ve see ze effeminate, sexually confused husband getting ready to go out und pick up ze other mens for ze Sex! His close-cropped butch lesbian wife ridicules him und drives him into ze arms of ze Village People! It is clear dat zis man has ze fondness for ze schwanzes, but people shouldn't be talking about ze Schwanzes or ze Schlong's in ze comicky book, for Crying Out Loud! SCHMUT!!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Mystery fluid - part 3

From THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #108

Peter's Aunt May, but some other Aunts may not! Heehee! Oh, I crack myzelf up zometimes! Here ve have ze comic book depiction of vhat ze kids nowadays call ze "Cougar"!  Zis schmutty older voman enjoys being mit ze younger mens, und zometimes playing mit their schticky fluids! Yuck! Schtop touching ze schticky goo, you naughty old schlut! Vhat do you think young boys do in their rooms vhen zey lock ze door? Vhat did you think zat vhite schtuff vas, ze Egg Nog? Hoo Boy! SCHMUT!!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Mystery fluid - part 2


Vell, it's not EGG NOG, I can tell you zat much! Vhat do you think it is, you silly comic book Schlut?!
Vhen you Kiss ze Cobra, you get schprayed mit ze Venom! Yeesh! Not for ze Kiddies! schmut! SCHMUT!!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Mystery fluid - part 1

From FIGHT COMICS #20


Nuttin' particularly schmutty here, folks...chust some scantily clad females, mit zere schkirts hiked up und zere nylons und garters displayed brazenly...one of ze women also has ze decolletage which displays her ample cleavage shamefully, vantonly...she holds ze large receptacle, und is commanding ze males off-screen to "Fill It Up!", as she is schpritzed mit voluminous glops of milky vhite mystery fluid which splatters everywhere in a schticky mess...absolutely nuttin' unusual here  -- IF IT VAS PORN!! But zis is a Comic Book, und in a comic book, it's SCHMUT!! Zose womens is ze Schluts, und zat mystery fluid ain't EggNog, I'll tell you zat much! HooBoy, is it ever SCHMUT!!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hulk has a package for you

From MARVEL COMICS INDEX #7A (with detail)


Vhat's green und purple und should NOT be visible on ze comic book cover?
Ze Incredible Hulk's incredibly obvious Penis und Testicles! Ach Du Lieber! "Hulk smash! Hulk getting angry! Now Hulk horny! Hulk getting kind of excited! Hulk want to show you his etchings!" 
 Yipes!  Gamma Radiated SCHMUT!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The hot dog or the taco?

From LOVE LETTERS # 24

Decisions, deciscions!  Zis poor girl cannot decide whether to eat ze schnitzel or ze taco! All she knows is zat she is hungry! Take Doc's advice and chust have ze "Schnickers"! You know vhat zey say, "Schnickers satisfies"! Anyvay, you can't eat ze tacos everyday...it's unnatural! Vhy vorry about ze taco zat gets your face all schmeared mit taco sauce, und mit der schnitzel which can be ze choking hazard! Comics is all SCHMUT!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Zatanna's 3 (and 1/4) some

From JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA # 87

Sex in ze comics is a No-No...Group sex in ze comics is chust plain SCHMUT!
Here ve see male schuper-heroes who has apparently chust given ze RUFIES to ze female und are in ze beginning stages of ze Group Sex! Bad Touch! Zis is a little too much close personal contact betveen co-workers! One at a time, at least, you horny sex fiends! Schuper SCHMUT!!


Monday, March 17, 2014

Because they are all pedophiles

From TIP TOP COMICS # 75

Und who can blame zem, ze way Nancy is dressed! She's chust Asking for it! Ha! Chust kidding! No, ze men folks is clearly vanting to schtup ze glitzy trollop Fritzi Ritz in her zexy bikini, mit her navel practically showing! Now, SHE IS asking for it! "It" meaning ze nasty, filthy sex! Und you thought comics was for ze kiddies! Comics is all SCHMUT!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Miss Smith says "Yes, oohhh, YESSSSSS!"

From LOVERS # 50

Ah, Lovers! How romantic, yes? NEIN! SCHMUT! Here ve have ze perfect example of "Wertham's Rule On Unseen Hands"! Zis is one of ze Raunchiest covers I've seen in a vhile! Ze Subliminal Sexual undertones are obvious! Here ve see ze dominant male controlling ze submitting female...he holds her head in a vise-like grip, thereby exerting his vill over her. Now, where is his Other hand, hmmm? Guess where! Look at ze voman's face! Zat is pure Sexual Ecstasy! His other hand is up her schkirt down "below the border" committing full-on vaginal manipulation! "Miss Smith says Yes, yes, ohhh, YEESSSSS!" Ve may be vitnessing ze first ever comic book mit der Orgasm on ze front cover! Ze caption calls zis "Ze tenderest love schtory you've ever read"...I say, after all zat schtimulation, it'll be ze tenderest Genitalia ever! Hooboy! Und chust be glad I'm not talking about vhat HER Hand is doing down there! Yick! Pure SCHMUT!!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

A kick in the ball turret

From The BRAVE And The BOLD # 29

Vell, I think I know vhy zis Robot is zo upset...all ze other robots make fun of ze size of his puny Ball Turret und ze tiny Robot Penis gun betveen his robot legs! Zis insecure robot suffers from R.P.I. -- zat schtands for Robot Phallus Inadequacy! Yeesh! Hey, Robot, next time varn somebody vhen zat thing is ready to Go Off! You need to point zat thing in somebody else's face for a vhile! Und schtop schticking it in ze Rear End of my Lexus! Keep your Robot junk outa my trunk! No means NO!! Ach! Robot SCHMUT!!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Buy me dinner first

From SPACEMAN #1 (Atlas)

In space no one can hear your SCHMUT! Here ve have a couple of schweaty, shirtless Spacemen (emphasis on MEN) doing vhat comes Un-Naturally in space...Look, Doc understands, you're out in space, far from home, schtuck in ze close confines of the space capsule mit nuttin' but other men und robots around, zo, it's okay! NEIN! It's schmut!  Spacemen should not be grabbing hold of other spacemen, not here, und not on Uranus! Hee hee! I made ze funny!...Ahem... Look at Johnny's face, looking up innocently into Speed's eyes, from his crotch! His eyes say, "But zis is so sudden! Und ve are busy dancing mit our Robot friend right now! Couldn't you take me to ze movies first?" Nein mitten der grabbin'! SCHMUT!!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

What's long and hard

From SUBMARINER #1

Tsk tsk! Here ve have ze young boy und an adult male, in zis case, a Pedophiliac Schubmariner! Little boy, schtop playing mit der Manholes! Nein! Zey are NOT for messing vith! Didn't you hear ze old adage, "Curiosity got ze boy schtupped"?! Ach! At ze very least, it looks like you are going to get Spanked! Now, ve see  zis curious boy enters ze manhole (Yeesh!) und schtands in front of der Schubmariner, pointing at his manhood, saying, "I came down to see what one of these things was like!" Yeesh! It's like yours, only bigger und hairier! Now run away home! Didn't you ever hear ze other old adage, "Vhat's long, und hard, und filled mit seamen? Jah, ze Schubmariner!" SCHMUT!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Please just make it a quickie

From HIT Comics # 24

Ach Du Lieber!  Vhat in der vorld is going on here? Schtop mit der pumping, already! Too many comics have ze grown man MOUNTED over ze young boy, like zis, und pressing, pressing, Ach, zuch close PRESSING! Nuttin' good can come from zis, I'm telling you! Zat is NOT real C.P.R.!  No, zis type of C.P.R. schtands for "Comics Penis Rubbing"! Yeesh! Und if you think zis is schmutty, be glad I didn't show you ze next scene vhen he tries to dislodge ze object from his throat! HooBoy! SCHMUT!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

It gets lonesome on the ol' prairie

From JOHN WAYNE ADVENTURE COMICS # 5

Ze icky bane of Bestiality rears it's schmutty head! YUCK! I can barely schtand to look! Here ze lust-filled Cowboy cannot control his Perverted Passions and begins the preliminary actions of making ze sex mit der Horsie, which is clearly leading him on (a complicit und villing participant)! Not only a NAUGHTY act , it is really quite foolish...I know for a fact zat Horsies are actually terrible kissers! Vay too much tongue! SCHMUT!!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Not exactly Richard Simmons...

From WHIZ Comics # 89

These two young boys have been reading too many schmutty comic books! Look, vhatever two consenting adults do, zat's none of my business (Vell, actually, it is), but two boys in a canoe on ze pages of ze comic book, zat's anudder story!  First comes reading comics, zen comes ze "Fagging Out"! Ach! They may not be exactly dressed like Richard Simmons or Ziggy Stardust, but what you CAN'T see is that they are both wearing ASSLESS CHAPS!  No more looking! SCHMUT!!

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Ants In The Pants


Didn't I tell you comics vas schmut? Look at zis sex crazed giant ant, clearly mit one thing only on ze mind, ze SEX! He's not looking for food, because zis ant is a vegetarian, und he chust ate! No, zis is a horny giant ant, looking to make ze sex mit der humanoid girl! Und, who can blame him, ze way she is dressed, she is practically asking for it, jah? Put some clothes on next time, you sleazy little schlut! Yeeks! Naughty SCHMUT!

Saturday, March 8, 2014

What were they thinking?

Ze Doctor does NOT approve of showing ze sex in ze comics, especially vhen ze sex is between a ROBOT und a GHOST! Especially a little child ghost! Zis robot is making ze angry sex mit der little ghost boy, und ze little ghost seems to like it alot! Yeeesh! SCHMUT!! Schtop looking!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Spandex Is Very Revealing

It's no trick, it chust happens zometimes! Vhy, I remember one time when I vas in school, und I vas in ze wrestling match...hooboy! Schmut!

COMICS IS SCHMUT!

COMICS IS SCHMUT! 
All you peoples reading ze comics are all zick little monkeys, jah? Only you chust don't know it yet! Vell, lucky for you I am here und I know what is naughty schmut und what is not, und comics is definitely ze schmut! There will be absolutely NO seduction of ze innocent while I'm around, telling you what's naughty und what isn't! Zo, schtop by here every day or so und I will show you all ze things you should not be looking at! ...Hmmmmm...