I've heard about "Pulling A Train", but this is ridiculous

From ADVENTURES INTO THE UNKNOWN #58

Zo, you haff had a nice veekend mit your friends und family, und now it's Monday morning und you haff to go back to ze vork! Zo, you go und grab ze big cup of coffe und catch ze train, you sit down und schtart to read your newspaper (newspapers is schmut, by ze way), und before you can zay, "Jack Schprat", der whole train schtarts to shakenz und schimmy! Your coffee gets dumped into your lap, your newspaper flys from your hands, and you look up to see a Gigantic Shiny Metal Robot Schwanz poking you right in ze face!  GOTT IN HIMMELL! Zere is a Giant ROBOT having ze Zex mit der TRAIN! Ach Du Lieber! Maybe NOW your telling yourself, "I should've moved to der Suburbs", Jah?! YEEESH!! At least der chances of Humungous Robot Penis taking your head off occuring out zere go down dramatically! Oh, Brother!  I take a couple of weeks off und look vhat happens! HooBoy! Robot SCHMUT! 

And you thought Batman and Robin were kinky

From CAPTAIN AMERICA #2

Jah, und you all thought zat ze Batman und ze Robin vere ze kinky ones!

Here ve see ze schmutty antics of ze Captain America und Bucky, engaging in activities including ze Cosplay, ze crossdressing, und ze child molestation! Yeechh! Get your cotton pickin' mitts offen der child, Captain! Poor Bucky has become ze warped puppet for ze schtrong und domineering gender-confused Schteve Rogers, who has taken ze liberties mit der little child, making him ze accomplice in ze filthy, schmutty, naughty business!  Comics is indeed schmut!

In Dr. Wertham P. Fredrics perfect world

From MYSTICAL TALES #1

Aaah!

Zometimes, I find ze comic zat chust makes my little heart

  zing mit joy!

Here ve have ze example of vhat life might look like in 

Dr. Wertham P. Fredrics perfect vorld!  

Yes, a vorld vhere I can make ALL ze Naughty Schmutty Dirty parts Disappear --

mit chust saying ze Magic Vords!

Vhat is ze Magic Vords?

"COMICS IS SCHMUT!"

Time to change underwear...times two

From JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY #41

Here ve have ze rare but schmutty medical phenomenon

 known as S.S.E. --

ze Simultaneous Spontaneous Ejaculation!

Notice ze looks of suprise mingled mit  ze shame und disgust, 

as each of zese naughty fellows realizes zey have to go 

und change zere underwear!

Yes, S.S.E. is rare but becoming more und more common, due to the increasing practice of reading ze comic books! Zat is chust ONE of Many side effects! Jah! 

Now you know reading comics vill leave a Stain!

 Yiiuuck! Naughty Schmut!

When is a cannon not a cannon?

From ADVENTURE COMICS #420

Vhen is a cannon Not a cannon?

Vhen it's a PENIS!

Yeesh! 

I don't know vhy Schupergirl has got her Hotpants in a bunch,

but she seems a bit angry as she throws a gigantic Phallic Symbol 

complete mit der Teschticles schtraight at ze comicky book reader!

Maybe she's mad because ze freshly fired cannon just blew a load of cannon balls into her Face!

Zat can upset some womens vhen zey aren't expecting it!

Chust ask Mrs. Fredrics...Er, I mean, SCHMUT!

Sometimes best friends need to respect boundaries

From PICTURE PARADE #1

Vell, Tsk tsk! 

You know, ze Child Porn in comics is bad, 

und ze Bestiality in comics is really bad, 

but here ve have ze Child Bestiality! Yiick!! 

Little Johnny und ze sexy schpot think zey have found ze quiet secluded place to satisfy their naughty urges for each other...

I realize it must get lonely in ze desert, but Puh-Leaze! It is no vonder zey are zo turned on, being surrounded by ze dirty, naughty Phallus-Shaped Cactuses-es! Eeew! Comics is Filthy SCHMUT!!

Compensating for low self esteem

From OUT OF THE NIGHT # 5

Whether it's a business man, a construction vorker, a banker, or a baseball player, men is alvays exaggerating  about ze size of zere manhoods!  Zat, unfortunately, alzo applies to ze Undead! Anyzing to make zemselves feel more important zan zey really are! Please! Who are you trying to fool, us, or yourself?! 

Yeesh! Creepy Schmut!

It's always someone you trust

From MARGE'S LITTLE LULU #33

Comics is pure Schmut!

Sex in ze comic books is naughty schmut, und ze sex betveen two childs is extra naughty schmut!

Here ve see ze Little Lulu being penetrated from behind by her so-called friend Tubby, in a case of comic book anal date rape! Chust look at ze expression of helpless fear und terror on poor Lulu's face as der fat little pervert positions his comic book doohickey for another thrust! Chust heartbreaking!

Lulu, Schtop mit der pedalling! I think all ze movement is turning him on more!

Yeeeesh! Nasty, naughty SCHMUT!

Robots have needs too

From STARTLING COMICS #49

Robots und Space Aliens have one thing in common...

They chust can't get enough of Earth Woman Sex!

Jah, for some strange reason,  nuttin' gets ze old piston pumping like some scantily clad Earth Girl!

Robots have one advantage over Space Aliens, though...

Zey alvays carry zere own Lubrication! Ha! Thank you, I'll be here all veek!

Yeeesh! Robot Sex!

  Schmut!

Getting Sunny where the Sun don't shine

From SUNNY #11

Let us now examine an example of vhat many depraved comic book readers call ze "Good Girl Art"...

Good Girl! Ha! Listen to ze Doctor vhen he tells you zat "good girls" don't flash their vaginas at ze boys! NEIN! Ze real good girl wraps zat naughty bit in ze armor und throws avay ze key! Vhy, I never even saw Mrs. Fredrics' genitalia until ve vas married for 37 years, und zat vas completely by accident! Talk about "Injury to ze Eyes"! YEEESH! Und schpeaking of "Injury to ze Eyeballs",  Sunny's pointy "headlights" poking out of her chest could possibly cause ze blindness if she gets close enough to schtick you! Hooboy!

Comics is SCHMUT!!